im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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