You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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