"it" just moved
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
