I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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