I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
