Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
