my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
