she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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