yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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