He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
