he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
