You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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