Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
