around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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