Already got asked if we're dating
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
