Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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