she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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