Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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