your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
