i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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