my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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