Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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