If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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