I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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