My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
