overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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