My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
