a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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