guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
