At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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