I feel like abortions should bother me more
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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