if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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