that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
