Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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