you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
