Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
