finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
