I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
