I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
