I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
