I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
