My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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