your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
