Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
