Just fell off a train. Bad.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
