my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
