My nipple is on Facebook.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
