remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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