On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
