wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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