TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
