Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I can't put those talents on a resume
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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