where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
