i just snorted my name. best moment ever
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
