Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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