Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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