woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Even my vagina gasped.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
